tonic Tuesday: "want to"

Tonic: anything invigorating physically, mentally, or morally. Something that lifts the spirits or makes somebody feel better generally.

Something new: tonic Tuesday.

This is my medicine.

I am currently reading Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst. It is a wonderful book, given to me by my mama, about satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food. Food has been a source of struggle for as long as I can remember. When I was in jr. high, I went in for my sports physical and I was told, "Jennifer, you have got to lose weight." I weighed 140. I was a bit chubby and I took it serious. By my freshman year in high school I weighed 128. When I became pregnant with my first baby, at 18, I still weighed 128, but that quickly changed. Baby weight piled on...and piled on. I've been obese since the beginning of my baby days, 21 years ago. My weight has ranged from 185 to 215 for most of these years. I am only 5' 4".

In my mind, I always fall back to the must-weigh-less-than-140, but it has been so far away...an impossible task.

I get sad because I'm fat. I eat. I cry because I eat. I get sad because I'm fat. I eat. I cry because I eat.

The cycle goes on and on.

I've been on one diet or another for most of my 17 year marriage to Faithful Husband. In the past year, I've been able to shed over 40 pounds, yet food is still a source of struggle. I eat in secret...can't let Faithful Husband see my unfaithfulness (yet, my body sees and shows it!). I have a few great days and then a binge day. I still cry because I eat.

I am made for more!

I don't need to find my worth in my jeans size or the numbers on the scale!

I am Jennifer Sheafer...I am "that girl" ~ the girl God created me to be. Yes, I am!

The introduction in the book, Made to Crave, is called Finding Your "Want To" and I have found it! I want my soul to be free from the bondage of food and numbers. Do you? Join me in this journey. Each week, I will post a new tonic Tuesday, working through all the chapters of this book. It is blessing me and I know it will bless you, too. May I suggest that you purchase the book for yourself? Mine is like a journal...the pages are written all over, sentences are underlined, paragraphs are in brackets. Lysa TerKeurst, thank you for sharing your journey. God, help me to share mine and find healing in my sharing.

Here is a powerful segment taken from the intro.

'I am made for more than a vicious cycle of eating, gaining, stressing ~ eating, gaining, stressing...I am made to rise up, do battle with my issues and, using the Lord's strength in me, defeat them ~ spiritually, physically, and mentally.'

It is a battle. I am in the fight. I will defeat this cycle...these issues. God bless you as you find your "want to" and join the fight.

My Bathroom ~ My Worship Center

Last night while finishing up my shower, I was listening to a fabulous new CD that my sister burned for me. The title of the CD is Sunny Day Songs. It is full of music that makes me soul smile, my feet frolic, and turns my heart to truth...God's truth about me.

I prayed.

"God, help me to be the girl you created me to be."

He replied.

"You are that girl."

I am so loved by Him. I know that the simple way I live in Him is exactly right for me, for now, in this season. I will keep on keepin' on...continually being molded and created anew.

Yes. I am that girl.

Thankful.

Simply Covered

I grew up in the church. I was surrounded by family and friends who accepted Him, who loved Him, and who believed in His love for them.

I didn't get it.

I believed in Him, loved Him, and believed in His love for me...with conditions (be nice, read your bible enough, pray enough, etc.). I think so human. I forget that His ways aren't like mine. He doesn't think like I do. He is Jesus.

After so many years of self-condemnation; condemnation that I let myself believe was from Him, I finally get it. Well, I at least get part of the puzzle. (and for the many parts that I still struggle to understand, I trust Him to reveal them to me when, and if, it is necessary...until then, I simply trust Him.)

Jesus died for me. His blood covers me.

                            I am righteous because of the blood of Jesus.

I am imperfect, impatient, and sometimes I wallow in the muck.

And then I stand up. I remember who I am. I shut up the condemnation and I talk to God and love Jesus for his covering. I fall in love with Him more every single day. I desire a closer relationship with Him and not because I have to, but because of the great gift of my rightousness.

I believe in Him, love Him, and believe in His love for me. Simple.

Grace for Self

I love to listen to K-Love Christian Radio, 90.7 in Neosho, MO. Early in January, I heard Dr. Meier talking about loving self. Mark 12:31 tells me to ' love God with all that I am and love my neighbor as myself' - there is no commandment greater than these (paraphrase). How easy it is to love God, it is usually pretty easy to love those around me, but oh the struggle of loving self.

We all make mistakes. We are all imperfect.

Most of the time, I am quick to offer grace to those around me when they mess up; when they live imperfectly.

Most of the time, I am quick to offer condemnation to self when I mess up; when I live imperfectly.

How is your relationship with self?

I am determined to love me. I am worth the same grace and mercy I offer to others; the grace and mercy offered to me by God.

You are worth it, too.

Blessed Stuff

Do you ever experience the loss of breath in your throat, like the beginning of a sob? You know, that feeling you get when pride wells up in you for your children and you catch your breath and stifle emotion....or when your spouse takes your breath away...?

Well, a few days ago I looked around me and I felt that same loss of breath over my 'stuff'.

Truth: I'm struggling with want for new stuff. I want new lamps, new pillows, new paint on the walls, a new van, etc. YET, I am amazed at what I own, as little as it is. For the most part, my home doesn't really reflect me...I feel in limbo waiting for my forever home. But there are little places in my home that do reflect me; places that have character, history, and a bit of whimsy.

These areas of my home hold the 'stuff' that took my breath away. Crazy, isn't it? No, not really. I think God is so good at taking me out of my pity parties...He reminded me of this stuff, the history of some of the pieces, and my heart was glad. Every good and perfect gift is from above. James 1:17. Oh, my blessed stuff.

I'm a Caterer

Faithful husband and I were chatting a few days ago and I said something that later came back to me in a strange way.

"I won't cater to an alcoholic."

That's a good thing, right? I'm not going to go out of my way to make sure an alcoholic has what they think they need or what they want.

Later, as I was driving my van I realized...'but, I'll cater to a glutton!'

I'll go to the store and purchase all kinds of great food and follow whatever recipes are necessary for a feast. Sometimes I am sure a vomitorium would be a great thing...then we could just keep on eating that fabulous food. OK, I know that a vomitorium wasn't really for the purpose of vomiting, but you get my point.

Reality, gluttony is the act of eating and/or drinking immoderately.

As a society, we look down on alcoholics, but to the gluttons we lift our glasses and say, "Cheers!"

Both are a lack of self-control, which is a fruit of the Spirit, and both lead the body into slavery and misery. I want a life of freedom! I don't want a life controlled by fleshly desires.

I was, in my heart, being judgemental when I said that I wouldn't cater to an alcoholic (a glutton). I'm thankful that God let me see that, in reality, I do.

Word Wednesday - What can you do...What can you give?

Come, they told me, there's a new born King!

We're taking our finest gifts to honor Him.

Little baby, I'm a poor boy, too

I have no gift to bring, that's fit to give our King.

Shall I play for you, on my drum?

I played my drum, I played my best.

He smiled at me.

The Little Drummer Boy is my most favorite song of the Christmas season. The little boy didn't have much to give and yet in his giving, what a blessing he received. The King, Jesus, accepted His gift...and He smiled.

This Christmas season, what can you do for, or give to, Him? This is not to create a checklist that becomes a burden...just a couple of things that you choose to be intentional about.

This year I am giving Him my smile and my wallet.

Proverbs 15 says that a glad heart makes a cheerful face and I think the reverse is true, too. A smile can brighten the heart that is heavy, sad, tired, etc. I want to be that smile for Faithful Husband and our children.

My money...well, it really isn't mine. All that I have is a gift from God...it first belongs to Him and He blesses the work of Faithful Husband with paychecks. A Proverbs 31 woman, according to verse 11, can be trusted by her husband. Proverbs 14 says that a wise woman builds her home, but a foolish one tears it down. I struggle to keep my budget and sometimes the stress it causes Faithful Husband makes me so sad. I want to be trustworthy in our finances and build my house with my wallet.

I think I might even wrap these and set the package on my desk. It will serve to remind me, all year, of my gifts....gifts that The King will honor and gifts that will bless my family. In the end, I will be the one blessed above all, and isn't that how giving works?

Word Wednesday - My Refuge

I don't often post dreary, woe-is-me updates on facebook...yesterday I did.

'Jennifer Sheafer feels like some battles just can't be won.'

Life is hard. I often forget that the Lord is near to me. He holds me, He protects me, He goes before me... I am safe in Him. Yesterday, had I gone to Him, He would have heard me... my heart would have found peace.

Yesterday is over. Today is new. In stress/distress, in life challenges... I will choose to cry to the Lord for help. He does hear me. He is my safe place, my refuge.

Psalm 18 says:

1I love you, O LORD, my strength.

2The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
3I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised,
and I am saved from my enemies.
4 The cords of death encompassed me;
the torrents of destruction assailed me;
5 the cords of Sheol entangled me;
the snares of death confronted me.

6 In my distress I called upon the LORD;
to my God I cried for help.
From his temple he heard my voice,
and my cry to him reached his ears.

Word Wednesday - Prayer

The Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:26-28

Ahhhhh, so grateful for the Spirit. When I don't know for what to pray, He teaches me. He silences my fears and helps me to overcome discouragements. When I can't pray, He does.

This morning I had such a great prayer time. It was so spontaneous and beautiful. I was filled with hope and joy in my intercession for others. God was truly with me and He knew just what I was to pray for. He used me for something great, and blessed me, when I wasn't expecting it. That is grace, isn't it?

God is full of grace for you and your prayer life. Jump in. Say "hey" to Him and see what happens.

If you need prayer, let me know. I will put you on sticky notes throughout my house so that I will remember to pray.

Just Be

The following is taken from my 2008 journal:

Jen, learn to love and accept YOU, and your relationships will grow. Don't focus on your negatives, but on your positives. When you focus on the negative, life follows. Don't try to DO for the Lord. He loves and accepts you NOW, today, no matter what you DO or DON'T DO --- Just BE with Him.

Word Wednesday - Love Your Neighbor

Word Wednesday! It is my goal to share something that God is teaching me, through His Word, each Wednesday. I would like your feedback. Hearing from you helps me to grow and see the world from a new and different perspective. Growing is sometimes painful, but so worth it!

We have lived in our little southwest Missouri town for almost seven months. In this short time, we have been mistreated by one of our neighbors multiple times. I have cried and I have felt unsafe. I have prayed for faithful husband, as adreniline and anxiety raced through him, as he struggled with Mr. and Mrs. Difficult Neighbor. We have learned that these particular neighbors have caused trouble for many others as well. It is sad...sad that their life story has led them to such bitterness. It seems that they are so miserable, that they want to share their misery with those around them.

No one in the neighborhood likes Mr. and Mrs. Difficult Neighbor. I don't want to be like everyone else. I want to be different.

Multiple times, in God's Word, I read to love my neighbor as myself. (Leviticus, Matthew, Luke, Romans, Galatians, James)

I long to dwell with the Lord and He wants me to be kind, not do evil, to my neighbor. (Psalm 15)

According to Romans 13, the only thing I am to owe anyone...is love.

My reaction...my response...is to love them. It isn't about who they are or how they act.

We may never have a relationship with Mr. and Mrs. Difficult Neighbor. Maybe we will. Only God knows what is in store. What I do know, is that I will pray for them, I will smile at them, and as God leads me... I will do random acts of kindness. Their issues aren't really with the Sheafer family anyway...their issues are much deeper and only God can heal them. He might choose to use us in that process and that would be an honor.


Do you have a difficult neighbor? Maybe your neighbor doesn't even live on your street or in your town, but they are difficult still. I challenge you to pray for them. Let me know how it goes.

Fruity

I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. John 15:5

A precious young lady read this verse last night. I immediately questioned myself, "What fruit do I produce?"

I grew up in an environment that taught me about the laws, the rules, of being a Christian...of what a Christian looks like. In recent years, I have learned that Christians, those who love God and accept Jesus Christ as their personal Savior, look very different one from another.

God doesn't have expectations of me, He has expectancy for me. He loves me, even when the fruit I produce looks more like a tomato than an apple.

There are many fruits in the produce section that we don't consider a fruit. An olive is a fruit! Sometimes the fruit we, as Christians, produce is more savory than sweet. It is still a fruit.

"An ugly fruit is sweet and unique, but at first glance tells you nothing about what is in store." Fruit...ugly...still a fruit.

As I pondered the fruit I produce in my life, I realized that much of it is uncommon and may not be considered 'fruit' by those looking in. I'm so glad that God sees my heart and that my life is, indeed, fruity.

Gifts aka God's Love

I have often teased my husband regarding the gifts that God gives him. Chris will have a thought about something he would like to have and before you know it... someone is giving him the very thing he thought about.


He has been given a truck after thinking how nice it would be to have one. No prayer. No request. A thought.


He was given new tackle boxes after mentioning to me that he'd like a new one. A neighbor walked over and asked Chris if he would like to have them.

The bible says that every good and perfect gift is from above. The truck, the tackle boxes, and all of the many other gifts Chris has received were good and perfect... God loving on him.


Chris has always said to me, "Jen, don't you know that God wants to be a part of all things in your life... even the small things?" God does care about our wants...even if we never pray about them. He does give us the desires of our heart.


Like Chris, I have thoughts about things I want. Like Chris, God often gives me those things. I know I am loved all the time, yet when I recieve a gift I am reminded of how much He loves me.


This past weekend was the Neosho city-wide garage sale weekend. I told my sister, Aime, that the main thing I was hoping to purchase was lawn type furniture for my deck. That very evening Chris came home and let me know that our neighbors were purchasing new furniture for their porch and giving us their old stuff!!! I was so happy I jumped around like a little girl. God loves me so much...this was indeed a good and perfect gift from above.


The next afternoon I was having a moment of missing my Willow house, in Olathe, where I had two large lilac bushes that I loved. As I was standing in my yard pondering the lilacs, the same neighbors that gave us the furniture walked over and Terry, the wife, had a large bouquet of lilacs for me. Can you believe it!?!?!?


I am a well-loved girl. Who else, but God, loves us so perfectly?

Merry Christmas!

Today is Christmas Eve and I am finally feeling excited about Christmas. The ground is covered with a fresh blanket of snow and the sun is shining. What a blessed day. I am celebrating Jesus Christ. How wonderful of a gift. He walked as I do, he was tempted as I am, he overcame... I try. :) I am perfectly imperfect and HE is so very fond of ME! Again, how wonderful a gift.

This year the gifts beneath my tree are scarce, but the gifts of love and life are plentiful. I am among the richest and most blessed!

Merry Christmas to you. I hope that you find joy in this season and that your heart is full.

Grace and Peace!

Journaling Heart

A friend recently made a comment that has me pondering.

"Kids are using facebook to share with the world the things they should be journaling to God."

It is so easy to type out a 'note' or to update our facebook 'status' with exactly what we are feeling... sharing with all who read. I wonder, are the notes and the status updates and the wall posts things that are being prayed about? Or are they just being tossed out there forgetting that God wants to be involved?

I'm guilty of that very thing. It is good to get our thoughts out... to release what is pent up... to confide in friends. It is REALLY good to talk to God about it. I'm all for sharing our hearts with our friends and being real... I just know that for ME... I want to remember to hang out with the Lord... to seek His counsel and His truth. Sometimes, just talking to Him clears up cloudy thoughts. Sometimes, talking to Him releases anger. Sometimes, talking to Him gives vision and purpose. Sometimes, life is big and hard and it takes LOTS of talking to Him to find the smallest piece of peace.

What about you? Where does your journaling heart go with all of its thoughts?

Am I real??? Even here... to the whole world of blog readers?

Yes. I choose to be real... at least here... on my Jumping Puddles-journal space.

It has been a long time since I have blogged. Life is just crazy busy... and, well... just crazy. I am struggling with a hormone imbalance and it is really knocking me flat. Life is a constant spin. I move in slow motion while my insides are rushing. Tears are a constant companion. Frustration and anger are always hovering, trying to overtake me.

I am currently reading Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard. It is a good book for me in this season. The book takes its title from Habakkuk 3:19, "The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places."

Yes! Amen! I trust Papa... my Lord... to see me through.

The song of my 11 year old

Elijah wrote this song yesterday and gave me permission to post it here. I found this on his bed.

Jesus, God, The Holy Spirit

Jesus died for me.
He died on the cross,
then he rose again.
Jesus loves you and me,
the Holy Spirit lives in your heart
to make everything easier.
God made everything,
even you and me and
everything we can see.
I have six brothers and sisters
and it is hard to deal with so
the Holy Spirit makes it easier.

He told me that he has 'music' to it in his head but he doesn't like to sing so I haven't heard it. It amazes me that he has an understanding of the Holy Spirit AND that this is what is coming out of his heart.

I asked him about having "six" brothers and sisters as he is one of six. "Should the six be a five?"
He said, "I have a brother or sister in heaven."

I had a miscarriage when Trevor was one...16 years ago! Five years before Elijah was given to us.

Wow. I am continually blown away by my children...their minds and hearts have so many facets.

How far?

Jesus, you know just how far
The East is from the West
I don’t have to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest

Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other.

Yesterday is over. Today is new.

New mercy...fresh grace...sufficient for ME, for MY TODAY.

I AM NOT, and I DO NOT, have to be who I was yesterday or last month or last year. Everyday I learn more about who I am and everyday I practice being that person... I don't do it perfectly and that is OK.

I am a FREE, VULNERABLE, COURAGEOUS, woman who is SELF-DISCERNING.