Thursday, June 26, 2008

The song of my 11 year old

Elijah wrote this song yesterday and gave me permission to post it here. I found this on his bed.

Jesus, God, The Holy Spirit

Jesus died for me.
He died on the cross,
then he rose again.
Jesus loves you and me,
the Holy Spirit lives in your heart
to make everything easier.
God made everything,
even you and me and
everything we can see.
I have six brothers and sisters
and it is hard to deal with so
the Holy Spirit makes it easier.

He told me that he has 'music' to it in his head but he doesn't like to sing so I haven't heard it. It amazes me that he has an understanding of the Holy Spirit AND that this is what is coming out of his heart.

I asked him about having "six" brothers and sisters as he is one of six. "Should the six be a five?"
He said, "I have a brother or sister in heaven."

I had a miscarriage when Trevor was one...16 years ago! Five years before Elijah was given to us.

Wow. I am continually blown away by my children...their minds and hearts have so many facets.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Suggestible? Expectation? Hope!

Am I suggestible? Do I accept and act on the suggestions of others? Would it be accurate to say that suggestions could be considered expectations?

I think I have been suggestible.

I think that the suggestions of others are often expectations.

Isn't an expectation a preconceived idea of how things should be 'it' is supposed to be? That sounds like stress; a problem in waiting. It is time to let go of expectations and stop trying to force life into a predetermined mold.

I choose to NOT be suggestible when the suggestion is really an expectation.

As I sit and ponder these things, I realize what I want; have hope for me, not expectation of me.

Hope is non-specific. It gives grace and space...freeing.
Expectation is specific and well defined...controlling.

Today I will choose to have hope for MYSELF and not expectation.

It will be a good day.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

It is so good...

parenting...I love it. Years ago I had theories on parenting.

This is how you do it

this is how you don't do it

this is how you certainly never do it and

this sometimes might be OK.

Well, my amazing children are now 17, 12 (almost 13), 11, 9, 9, and 8. All of my 'theories' have been blown out of the water. I have learned that my ideas about how to parent were often judgements of other parents shortcomings. I am learning that how I thought "it would go" and how it really is are two very different things. I have learned that one way of parenting may only fit one of my children.

Being a parent is the greatest joy. My kiddos make me laugh like no one else.

Being a parent is, at the same time, SO difficult. My heart aches, and breaks, over their hurts, their fears, their struggles, their lessons learned from mistakes, etc.

I know that I'll continue learning. Maybe when Ben (8 year old) is 20...I'll understand how to parent. But then again, I'll probably be learning how to GRANDparent.

Monday, June 16, 2008

How far?

Jesus, you know just how far
The East is from the West
I don’t have to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest

Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other.

Yesterday is over. Today is new.

New mercy...fresh grace...sufficient for ME, for MY TODAY.

I AM NOT, and I DO NOT, have to be who I was yesterday or last month or last year. Everyday I learn more about who I am and everyday I practice being that person... I don't do it perfectly and that is OK.


Saturday, June 14, 2008

How are you?

"I'm not answering that question today."

What a great, bold answer to an all too common question.

Married for 35 years and in the midst of a divorce...

"How are you?"

A best friend dies...

"How are you?"

It is completely understandable to "not answer" that question OR to get frustrated. Is it society...have we all just trained each other that we really don't care? Is it that we just don't want to share our heart...possibly cry or say something "wrong?" Do we want others to "have a brain" and realize how we are without asking?

What's up with "how are you?" Do you really want to know? Do I really want to know?

Yes, I do. are you?

Saturday, June 7, 2008

from the heart of a wonderful, aching young man...our Trevor

There are trials in life......all around us.

What do we do during those times?
Well there are two things we could do. What we feel like doing... and what we should do.
What's easier? Well when something hard is going's easier to break down and get depressed and scared and angry and hurt and worried and and and and and.

Since July of last year...I've been going through some pretty hard things. Things that have weakened my relationships at home. Things that have weakened a few relationships with friends. Things that have been 'unhealthy' for me. I want to share a little bit about the two things that have effected me in a negative way more than anything.

First, in July, work started to have a bad effect on my dad. He was getting highly stressed and it was very unhealthy for him. It started getting so bad that he needed to go to the doctor to see what was wrong. The doctor came to the conclusion that my dad was depressed. So he put him on a medicine called Paxil. That's when things got really bad.
Over time, Paxil started to have severe side effects on my dad.
To make a long story short. Paxil severely hurt my dad...and it lasted 6-7months.
Over this period of time...the whole situation hurt me really bad. Mainly because I wanted to know why God was letting everything that was happening....happen. I got angry. Extremely angry. And I started closing myself off from people. I kept everything in. I didn't let anything out. Except maybe to a very few select people. My relationships at home started dwindling. I secluded myself from my family. I would be gone a lot and when I would get home...I'd shut myself in my room. I started doubting myself...and God.
Because of that...I haven't really been the same person that I used to be a year ago.

The other thing is something that's happened very recently. As in, the past 17 days. A friend of mine, also a best friend/sister to some of my very close friends, was in a horrible four-wheeler accident. I'd rather not pull out all of the facts because it's hard enough just typing this up. If you want to know about it, and haven't, you can go to
For the 16 days she was alive in the hospital, people prayed. Literally thousands of people prayed for her...people all over the United States...and even people in other countries. We were praying for a miracle...I was praying for a miracle. I had so much faith. I was believing. I believed that God was going to provide a miracle. Cause that's what He does. He takes care of us. He provides for us. He gives us happiness. So of course He was going to heal her. Go against IMPOSSIBLE odds...and heal her. People all over the U.S. and the world were praying for her. Having faith...yeah, she was going to come out of it.
She didn't.
Thursday - June 15th - 2008 - 3:15pm - Lauren died in the hospital bed.
She was 15 years old.
When I heard the news that she had passed away. I had an ocean of emotions come over me. Sadness, confusion, passion, anger, rage, even hatred.
She was not supposed to die. She had too much to accomplish. She had so much yet to do.
I started to feel like God just didn't care.
God doesn't listen to us. If He did...then He just isn't a loving god. So either He doesn't listen...or He doesn't care. I just knew it was one of the two. God let Lauren die. He let her go through everything at the hospital...and then just let her die. That sure sounds like a loving, caring, providing, healing god.
Yeah right.
It sounded to me like He didn't care at all. I started feeling like there was no great, healing, caring god.

What an idiot I am.

Yes, Lauren went through a lot.
Yes, Lauren died.
No, it wasn't God's fault.

A horrible accident happened. Lauren was severely hurt.
If Lauren would have lived. She would have continued life...struggling. It would have been very hard for her. In a sense...she probably would have suffered.

Lauren went home. She went to the greatest place she could. She got to go be with her heavenly father. The King of kings, the Lord of lords. Her daddy. She's in heaven rejoicing. Dancing. Singing. Experiencing more than she could have ever imagined. She won. Nothing better could have happened for her. The only negative now...we hurt.

We're the ones hurting...because...we miss her. We loved, and continue to love her. But she's not here with us...not in a physical sense. We don't get the pleasure of seeing her. Of hearing her. We don't get any of that. We're the ones that are at a loss.

It's ok to be sad. To hurt. To mourn. But not for her sake. Because she's got so much more now. And it hurts to say that. Because after all...she was a friend, a daughter, a sister. 15 years old....
But she's better off now than we are.
Since the moment I got the news, to now. I don't think I've ever cried as much as I have in this time period. It hurts so much.... but that's ok. It's ok to hurt. But I can't be mad at God. I can't lose my faith. Because after all...I was praying for God to heal Lauren physically.

He healed her in every way possible and impossible.
She's perfect now.
That's healing.

So I say all of that to say....there are trials. We constantly go through a trial. What do we do?
Do we freak out and challenge our faith?
Or do we trust that God will take care?

That's all.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Nim's Island tagline

'Be the hero of your own story.'

We all have a life story...isn't it time to take care of you and be your own hero?